What is bereavement and how can counselling help?
What is bereavement?
Bereavement is the experience of losing someone significant to us. It is symbolised by grief, which is the process and the range of emotions we go through as we progressively adjust to the loss.
Losing someone significant to us can be emotionally overwhelming - whether that be a partner, family member, friend or pet. Bereavement can be experienced in different ways for different people, particularly if the death is unexpected or traumatic.
How to cope with bereavement
For most people, the process of coming to terms with a bereavement will take some time. We call this process mourning, and it can take us through a range of different emotions and responses. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to mourn. For some it can be a rollercoaster of wild mood swings, for others it is an altogether quieter experience.
Despite the huge variations in the way people respond, it is possible to identify some common stages. There is no set time-scale for these stages, they may well overlap, and sometimes they may even occur in a different order. But it can be helpful to know what they are and that they are all completely appropriate.
Shock. Most people feel stunned in the hours or days following the death of a loved one.
Numbness. A sense of being separated from one’s own emotions can be useful when it comes to getting through practical challenges such as arranging a funeral, but it becomes problematic if it goes on for too long.
Yearning. After a while, numbness can give way to a profound pining for the person who has died. This can make it difficult to sleep or concentrate on even the simplest tasks.
Anger. At this stage, the loss can seem brutally cruel or unfair. People can often feel anger towards medical staff or others who could not prevent the death. Confusingly, it is also possible to feel real anger towards the person who has died for having gone away.
Guilt. This is very common. People find they can’t stop thinking about things they should have said or done. More uncomfortably, people can experience enormous guilt if part of them feels relieved the person has died, say after a long and painful illness.
How long does the grief process take?
It is almost impossible to tell for sure how long it will take to get over a bereavement. Some say that most people recover within one or two years. However, it will vary person to person, and depend on a variety of factors and circumstances.
Agitation. This is usually strongest for about two weeks after a death or the news of a death. This strong emotion can be interspersed with bouts of intense sadness, silence and withdrawal. People often find themselves bursting into tears for no apparent reason. No matter how strong the temptation to isolate, it can be helpful to find routine activities to do during this phase and talk to others.
Depression. This can reach its peak after about six weeks, again interspersed with bouts of intense emotion. While it can appear that the bereaved person is doing nothing during this phase, they are usually absorbed in thought about the person they have lost.
Letting-go and acceptance. Eventually depression begins to lift and a sense of vitality returns.
Complicated grief
The severity of the grief will, of course, be largely dictated by the person’s relationship with the dead person and how close they were. Aside from this pivotal consideration, there are two key areas that can affect the grieving process; the circumstances of the person that is grieving and the circumstances of the death itself. Let’s look at them separately.
Some of the factors that make it more difficult for individuals to move through the grieving process include:
The grieving person is socially isolated and has little support from community, family or friends.
They have unresolved business with the person who died, such as old quarrels or unexpressed anger or love (or the person who died was estranged from the mourner).
The mourner could not attend the funeral, or there was no funeral.
The relationship with the person who died is not legally recognised or socially accepted (e.g. the person who died was a same-sex partner or partner from an extra-marital relationship).
Early loss and unresolved grief
One aspect of grieving that is often overlooked is the impact that unmourned childhood losses can have in later life. Traumatic losses are generally easy for adults to recognise, such as a serious illness or the death of a parent. But there are also many events in the life of every child that can be difficult to cope with. These can include the death of a pet, moving house, or the experience of being bullied.
What is significant here is not the severity of the incident, but the degree to which the child is able to talk about the experience and process it with those that care for them. Unresolved early losses can have a dramatic impact in later life. They can also make it much harder for the adult to cope with and process losses.
Counselling can help with bereavement
Counselling provides a confidential and supportive space in which you can allow your most painful feelings to be expressed and witnessed, helping you make sense of your world. Often the first task of bereavement counselling is to help to normalise what you are feeling.
In a previous article I wrote about the benefits of seeking therapy. In my role as a counsellor I would help you to understand your complex and painful emotions. This can transform any distress you may have about how you are feeling. We would work together to help you integrate the feelings of loss into your life and support you as you adapt to life without the person who has died.
Take action today
Working through grief can be a painful process, however it is an inherent part of what it means to be human. No one can ever replace the loss, but with the right help and support, it is possible to establish a sense of meaning to life.
This process can help you towards a better understanding of self and others, which in turn may lead to an improved ability to relate to others too.
Sophia England, Counsellor, Newtown Counselling