Therapy Does Not 'Fix' You Because You Are Not Broken
Usually when we lose faith in the process of therapy we have lost sight of what it is and what it is not.
Therapy is a guide but it is not a rope
Therapy is a challenge to your dysfunction but it is not a protection from it
Therapy is a safe space but it cannot force you to feel safe within it
Therapy is stable ground on which you have to decide to place your feet
Why Won’t My Therapist Just Tell Me What to Do? (3 Good Reasons)
Before starting therapy, it’s easy to think a therapist’s job is to give you advice. After all, many celebrity, television and film therapists are portrayed as doing just that.
But in real life, most therapists don’t give advice. In fact, giving advice can go against the ethical codes therapists follow that warn us not to impose our own values or beliefs on our clients.
Good therapists know that giving you advice doesn’t help you that much—and that it can even hurt you.
For one thing, therapists aren’t experts on most of the things you might ask them about. However, they often will give you advice when you ask about something that is in their area of expertise, or if you’re in crisis.
For another thing, giving you direct advice would disempower you. Good therapists don’t want to become an authority figure you passively follow. They want to help you access your own power and expertise. They believe you’re the expert on your own life—not them.
A therapist is more likely to try to get you to question and think about why you’re facing a certain problem—or why you’re having a hard time making a decision, or why you even see something as a problem at all—than they are to give you a ready-made solution or to tell you what to do.
If a Therapist Doesn't Give Advice, What Do They Do?
When you’re trying to solve a problem and need some help, a good therapist generally won’t tell you what to do. But they will try to help. Instead of offering advice a therapist might:
Alert you to options or choices you haven’t considered
Suggest an alternate way of looking at or thinking about things
Explore your choices with you and guide you through thinking about them
Remind you of your strengths and that you’re capable of embracing challenges
Listen with their full attention and care so it’s easier to talk things out with them
Provide emotional support and encouragement as you work through difficult decisions
Explore how past experiences, trauma, anxiety, or depression might be limiting your perspective
Share their observations when they believe a dilemma you’re facing reflects a larger pattern in your life
Offer their interpretation of why you seem to be going through a certain pattern over and over again
Provide information (and even advice) that will help you understand and deal with a mental health condition
Encourage journaling outside of sessions to help you when you face difficult decisions or stressful situations in everyday life
Suggest books or other media to you that they believe will help you explore topics related to mental health or personal growth
Help you explore and process emotions related to a decision you’re facing so you can overcome the emotional barriers to making it
Teach you skills and techniques that can help you tolerate difficult feelings, uncertainty, and anxiety so you don’t make impulsive decisions just to avoid feeling them
Guide you through self-exploration and self-inquiry so you can discover your true values, motivations, and desires—and make decisions based on them
Help you formulate a plan that will help you achieve a goal—in other words, help you figure out how to get there once you’ve decided for yourself what you want to do
Long Term Benefits of Therapy
In a previous article I wrote about the benefits of seeking therapy. As a therapist I want to go deeper than just help you solve one specific problem in your life. I want to help you get better at solving all your problems.
I would help you improve your overall confidence, intuition, and mental and emotional clarity. I’d want to help you figure out who you really are, and what your values really are, so you can make decisions based on that.
My real job is to help you understand yourself better. I know that if I can do that, every decision will be easier for you to make and every problem will be easier for you to solve.
I would hold back from giving advice, and instead focus on giving you the unique kind of help only a therapist can give you, that can do so much more for you.
I can help you shift patterns you’ve repeated for years and help you see more options and possibilities than you ever have before. It can free you up inside.
It can change your life.
Sophia England, Psychotherapist, Newtown Counselling